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What have I become?

I've been living this so-called life for about a year. I've got nothing out of it. Ever since that happened, nothing have been going my way.

I'm writing here today not for myself, but for someone far more important than myself. Someone I had neglected. Someone who I never really treated as important. Yes, that might sound absurd.

Well, all I had been trying to do, was all for myself. I wanted to feel full. I wanted to feel whole. I wanted to feel something that I was never meant to feel, happiness. To get what I want, I neglected what you needed.

Yes I did. You needed care and I tried to give "love". You needed friendship and companionship and I failed to recognise that. I thought you wanted something more. And by more, I don't mean it in a good way. Sometimes, the warm feeling of someone who will listen to you and be with you can overwhelm everything else. It was very simple for me, I failed to see it.

All I needed was for you to be happy. And if you're happy, I'd be happy too. I had a wrong sense of direction and what you needed to be happy. Happiness isn't that complicated. I did not realise that I did not require elaborate planning and countless thoughts to make you smile. It was simple. Way too simple, that I did not see it.

And by simple I don't mean it being simple to make you happy. It is very simple because there's only one thing that I needed to do. But that one thing is very difficult.

I regret the day that I destroyed it all. Yes, I have plenty of regrets, but this is the one decision that I regretted the most. I tried to be honest with you, maybe it was the right thing to do. But not the thing that I should have done. The promise I made then, I broke it. Terribly.

I promised that if we fail to work, we could go back to what we were. Easier said than done.

But that does not mean it cannot be done.

I cannot blame you for anything, as it is entirely my fault. I made things so complicated, I made things so disastrous, I made things so screwed up. If only I had decided to hold my words back, keep my love locked down, everything could've gone on just like before.

Just like a fairytale, except that it is real.

By replacing something that is indestructible, I made it one of the most fragile things ever. I was too greedy. I asked for more when I already had all I needed.

Well, come to think of it, I think that you were happy then. Or I'm probably horribly mistaken. Again.

Well, even if you weren't, things could have been better. We could have been everything we wanted to be. Only if I had kept quiet.

Yes. It was my fault. I tried to take us further than we should go.

I tried to save something that is beyond rescue.

I failed in trying to move on after that.

If only I had kept my mouth shut, and lived the days just like any other, I don't even have to move on. Nothing would have fallen apart. Everything could have gone on perfectly as before.

I'm sorry, I'm being selfish again, I wanted you to be happy so I could be happy.

Yeah, I'm not someone you should be with.

But why did I even think of that? We could have been friends, and continued to be. Why did the demon in me ask for more than that? Being friends with you, is already such a blessing to me. I was an idiot for trying for more.

Yes, its perfectly alright to put all of the blame on me. I accept responsibility for all the mistakes I have made and the promises I had broken. I don't deserve your love even if you wanted to give it back.

No, I don't need that anymore. And I believe you don't need mine either.

I don't know about you, though I really wish I do. But all I need now, is for us to go back, back to before I made the fatal mistake. The good times.

Maybe you wish for the same too.

If we are unable to work it out, we could go back to what we were. Friends, good friends. I promised.

Easier said than done.

But that does not mean it cannot be done.

I promised.

I promise.

It's not too late.

From now on, its never going to be about me again. It's just gonna be about you.

I promise.