743

I have never really asked for more than a simple chance to live.

742

Someone of paradoxes and contradictions.

Somehow a part of it, but never truly a participant and a propagator.

In contact often, but in reality isolated.

Enjoys solitude, but worries about company.

Feet on two boats, but falling into the sea.

Too many things have two sides to it, and indecisiveness ensues.

I can never make a decision the same way again, without so much internal struggle.

It's not loneliness, not frustration, not even anger.

It's a strange feeling indescribable by words alone.

You need to feel it yourself to understand what I mean.

I don't even know what to make of it anymore.

I hate this shit. I fucking hate this shit.

741

It just hits you. That feeling of emptiness and of being isolated from the world. You are so very very alone, and nobody is really there to listen to you. But what have you got to say to them anyway? There is nothing in your life to talk about. Nothing to share. Nothing you own at all. It is all just emptiness, emptiness, emptiness. Walk across the room to that dark window and survey the night sky beyond. More than ever, it is like a window to your own soul. Just complete darkness and nothingness. There is a sinking feeling somewhere in the middle of your chest as you fear that you may not get out of this ditch. Loneliness has a profound way of encouraging thinking, and thinking leads to what you are suffering now. Pain, does it even have meaning anymore? Pain is overrated. There is a feeling much more dreadful and scary than pain. We just have yet to get around to giving it a name. One does not feel pain. It is something far worse. An inky black sensation spreading across the body threatens to engulf the soul in a flash and devour all drive within you. Then you are left with even less than what you used to have. Which is nothing, nothing at all. There are no bright spots, no light showing you the way, nothing illuminating to look forward to. It is just you, sitting here in the darkness in this cold, unyielding chair, beside a window of darkness in which you can only see yourself on the other side. Funny how there is nothing there to see at all.

740

New template. Time for a revival soon.

739

:O

738

It's been a long time.