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Lovestuffs : Meaningful And Meaningless

Well, I'm back again, after a long time.

I wanna talk about something which have been bugging me a lot these days. In contrast with my previous days where there are many many problems, this time, there's only one problem.

Well if you look at it this way, life is pretty straightforward. Even if there are many problems in your life, all you need to do if solve them. However, if there's NOTHING in your life, it is a much more complicated matter.

Every night, we will go through a thought process of what we are looking forward or not looking forward to the next day. And every morning, we will wake up to something new in the day. It could be something that we look forward to or something we dread. But nevertheless, its still something. If you have lots of things to look forward to, good for you. If not, I suppose the bad bout of dread will pass soon enough, to be replaced by things you will look forward to.

Well, there's a problem with me here. When I wake up in the morning, all I want to do is to fall back onto bed and sleep, and the best thing that could happen after that is that I WILL NEVER WAKE UP. Life would be so much better for me that way, or death, rather. Honestly, there's nothing in the day to look forward to nor anything to dread, because there simple isn't anything in my life now at all.

When I was younger, I looked forward to discovering new things and fun stuff to do.

In the primary school days, I looked forward to having fun with my friends in school.

In the early secondary school days, I looked forward to trying to get as much fun as I can under my parents' iron grip with my friends. That was something of a challenge and every little accomplishment made things very meaningful.

Well, in Year 3, I can say it was the most meaningful year of my life so far. I lie down every night thinking about the pleasant surprises that could happen the next day. I wake up every morning with a smile, eager to get to school so I can see your beautiful face. You gave meaning to my life. You gave meaning to me. You made me feel that life is worth living. I want to give up everything in my life just to be with you. That's my mistake, I made you my everything.

By making you my everything, once you're gone, I will have nothing.

Yes, you are gone now. Even though you're still there. I'm sorry this sounds like Mr Seow but its true.

You are right there, but gone from me. Now that everything in my life is gone, I have nothing left.

Do you know how much pain I feel when I look at you? Do you know how much joy I feel when I look at you?

You were the one who made my life so worth living and so happy, that I could not imagine my current state then. I would never had thought it would come to this. Well, maybe its because I'm too selfish about myself.

But still, caring for you, doing all I can for you, that's what made my life worth living.

Now, I can no longer do anything, because you don't want it.

Ok I'm going off topic, I will talk more about the best days of my life with you in another LoveStuffs entry.

For now, back to the main topic.

Well, its pretty simple actually. We all have something which we think is meaningful to do. Take that away, and we'll have nothing meaningful to do.

When you walked out of my life, I tried searching for other things to take your place. Well, you can guess, it failed pretty badly, because you are IRREPLACABLE.

I tried to put my life in gaming, like I did when I was younger. But since I have severe restrictions on gaming, which is to say, I am not allowed to play games at all, I can't do that. And gaming won't be beneficial to both my schoolwork and my eyesight.

I tried to put basketball at the forefront. However, uncooperative parents and other circumstances limit my time with the sport I love. Added to the standing down of CCAs and increased workload, I have the bare minumim of time to pursue this.

I tried to reignite my interest in the piano. But as I said, schoolwork invades and I don't really have the passion left for it.

Now, I tried to place friends in every corner of my life. I tried to socialize, go out more, and get to know more people and people better. Well, apparently, I am supposed to give up these 60 plus days of my life for nothing but mugging. According to my parents.

Well, I guess its kind of a reasonable excuse, just for a huge exam, we should give up just 60 plus days of our lives. Ok not entirely reasonable.

Studying, to me, is entirely not meaningful. That's why I need something else which is meaningful in the meantime. An unfortunate incident on Saturday made me realise that friends, is no longer an option for me to consider.

So what's left now? I've got nothing to live for, nothing meaningful to do, except studying. Well, I'm not gonna give up any part of my life for something so mundane and meaningless. Never.

So, what's keeping me alive now? I can say there's only 3 things.

1. The hope, the tiny shred of hope, that we could go back, rediscover, and find what made us magical then. There's still hope to find it again.

2. This blog. I think the one of the only meaningful things I'm doing now is writing here and keeping this place updated. So I do hope all of you who're reading this look deeper into the videos I post, the stuff I write and things such as this, you can call it a rant. There's a lot of things I want all of you to know.

3. My friends and family. Dear friends, all of yall are very understanding towards me. I appreciate that a lot. My family, I respect their motive behind what they are doing, but not exactly their actions.


Well, what more can I say now? The next 60 plus days will be the darkest days of my life. I will have nothing to look forward to and nothing to live for, really. Again and again I will wish that I can go to sleep and never wake up. Well, I guess you can say that its just because of one reason, one person. Maybe. I'm not calling on you to give up any part of your happy life to help mine, because a person like me is not worth helping. Eventually, slowly, I will get out of this. All I need is some time to discover something worth living for other than you. Well, I would most probably fail again. But I will approach this with the mindset which I had when I approached you,

"Well, I would most probably fail. But it would not hurt to try :)"


PS : This ain't really much of a Lovestuff. Its more of a Lifestuff. Anyway, Lovestuffs don't make sense in the first place. None of us know what is love, only what we think is love.